Horrible Horror Movie Reviews

Zombie Strippers (2008)

2008-07-21T00:51:00.000-07:00

Director:

Made In: USA

Released: 2008

Zombie Strippers. Yes, you heard right. Review Soon.

Review - I Am Legend

2008-02-26T02:37:00.000-08:00

Director: Francis Lawrence

Made In: USA

Released: 2007

The story was written by Richard Matheson, originally a Sci-fi horror novel where the story revolved around Robert Neville, who spends his days killing vampires, hanging garlic and boarding up his house. Even though he has been on his own for years, he eventually meets a girl Ruth, who falls for Robert, even though he initially captured her thinking she was infected. The book, i am told, has more of a focus on the tragic existence of Robert, sorrunded by vampires and the infected, and his completely solitary life.

The 2007 movie, directed by Francis Lawrence, has a different focus. Robert Neville (Will Smith) is a colonel in the US Army and also a scientist. At some point not so long ago, the scientists of the time had developed what they thought was the cure for cancer - eventually it mutated into a horrible virus that eventually wiped out the majority of humanity, although in the movie we only see the effect on New York city. The disease takes over both the human race and animals, turning them into these weird zombie-like creatures, supposedly "vampires", who are unable to step out into the sun, but run crazy at night. The creatures seem more like zombies than vampires, even though the original book describes the creatures as traditional vampires (scared by garlic etc) It is alluded that Will Smith is the only survivor and is so only because he is immune to the disease. He lives a solitary but orderly life in the abandoned city of New York, with only his dog Sam supplying any form of company. The friendship and bond between the two gives the story agreat deal of emotion and creates a real sense of sympathy for Robert when he eventually loses his only friend.

He has power, water, petrol, access to shops, including a video store that he visits regularly and has one-sided conversations with dummies that he has placed in the store. He spends his days hunting the wild-life that has crept into the streets, deer, lions etc. He has barricaded his house so has lived relatively well protected from the horrors of the night - and because he was involved in developing the original cancer vaccine, he feels it his responsibility to remain at "ground-zero" (New York) until he has developed a cure. He uses his own blood to experiment on infected rats and animals, recording his progress with precise detail on highly advertised Mac equipment, who seem to be the sponsors of the apocalypse.

The movie feels similar to 28 days later, but very american big-budget. However, the CGI is so shitty, making the monstors seem so unrealistic that it turns into a bit of a joke. Will Smith does agreat job even though in some scenes it seems as if he is taking the piss out of his situation. However, you have to remember that he has spent the last three years on his own.

I've always found the idea of the "solitary man" intreaguing and it seems as though Robert Neville thrived in his solidarity, unlike Jim from 28 days later who seemed to walk around aimlessly, but I suppose Robert was a military man and knows why the earth is empty, and Jim was just a punk with no idea.

Unlike the book, the main character in the 2007 movie is given a more heroic rather than tragic character, and in the end everything seems to be wrapped up too nicely. (even though there is a surprise) Although the idea of the world being wiped out by a disease is fairly believeable, the rest of the movie is just so unrealistic that the end seems to fit with the rest of the story.

All round, quite a good and entertaining movie, Will Smith does a good job, and manages to portray what he would really be like in such a situation. Lots of sudden scares and edge of your seat suspense. Definately worth a look.

3.5/5

The Corpse Corps

2008-02-25T00:20:00.000-08:00

Review - 30 Days Of Night (2007)

2007-11-12T02:21:00.001-08:00

Director: David Slade

Made in: USA

Released: 2007

Review: Before seeing this movie I was certain it would be just another one of those vampires-in-modern-society movies, of which there are alot kicking around. You know the ones - Blade , The Underworld Series etc where all the vampires seem to be so cool and good looking, but you can tell which ones are the vampires because of the stupid accent and full-length leather jacket. They also listen to contemporary industrial-metal and have parties together in big expensive mansions because even though they may be 200 years old its only the shitty music from the late 90s that appeals to them.

Well, 30 Days of Night seemed to avoid some of these cliche's, although not all of them, and even though it was a bit "hollywood" I was pleasantly suprised at how entertaining this movie was. Although there were alot of inconsistencies.

Essentially, it is the location and idea of this movie that makes it interesting. Apparently, for 30 days of the year there is a small town in Alaska that doesn't see sunlight. 2/3rds of the town pisses off and the rest stay and brave the cold, isolation and month of darkness. When the Vampires found out about this isolated town they all wet themselves with joy. (I think that part will be included in the extras). The eerie location, impending darkness and strange premise creates a scary atmosphere, however, the vampires could have easily been replaced with any of the following: - zombies - axe murderers - aliens - serial killers - telemarketers - irish people - possessed handbags. Basically, its dark, there is no escape, no help coming, no communications, and people are getting picked off rapidly. A very redundant story.

The vampires were not that different to any other recent vampire flicks. They still had that whole long-coat, foreign accent thing, except all these vamps were weird lookin'. I think the actors were chosen because they had similar features - skinny and ugly. You could also tell which ones were the vampires because they had blood around their mouths. Subtle? They didn't speak English - translations were thanks to subtitles - and only the head vampire actually spoke. The others communicated to each other through a shrill screeching sound, usually just to communicate to others that victims were available. The way the vampires moved and hunted was more animal-like than supernatural and although they still had that whole super-fast flash-across-the-screen thing happening I was glad to find that they didn't just disappear and re-appear like magic, which made them slightly less un-believable.

Inconsistencies: When a vampire bites you - you die, unless they "turn you" which usually means you have to bite them. In this movie however, if you were bitten, you "caught" vampire, just like you can catch "zombie". Some people were left dead in the snow and were never heard of again while others who were bitten started to become vamps themselves - what? Make up your mind! what is vampire then? is it a virus? At one point Josh Hartnett infected himself with a syringe filled with vampire blood and he became a super vampire. ok? I will repeat that one again. At one point Josh Hartnett infected himself with a syringe filled with vampire blood and he became a super vampire. Enough said. The vampires could apparently "smell the blood" of the humans but could not detect a group of them hiding upstairs in one of the 10 houses in the tiny village. The vampires were also too stupid to bring jackets and beanies which left them in a spot-of-bother because the humans could walk around in the snow-blizzards without any problems but the Vamps must have preferred to stay-indoors with a nice cup of tea.

Josh Hartnett made the movie less enjoyable, mainly because he has about as much acting skill as a foot. Melissa George was ok, even though she must be about 85 by now because the last time I watched "Home and Away", which must have been in the early 90's, she was in it and she was already over the hill back then. But least she wasnt the typical screaming horror-movie female. To be honest i don't think i heard her scream once.

The other characters were not memorable and almost all were killed by the end.

This movie was ok, it brought a few new aspects to a genre that has been overdone in the last few years. The location and isolation were portrayed really well and the cinematography and sound were also well done. However I felt like I had seen it all before, mainly because it felt like any other run-of-mill zombie movie. But I was entertained for the length of the movie.

2.5/5

http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/30daysofnight/

Review - 28 Days Later (2002)

2007-09-19T01:56:00.000-07:00

Director: Danny Boyle

Made In: UK

Released: 2002

Plot: Stupid animal rights activists break into a lab and release all the test-subjects including a monkey who has been infected with the "Rage" virus. (From this point, the fall of humanity can be blamed on animal rights activists.) The monkey bites the hippies, and the scientists, and although we don't see the events that follow, we can assume that within the next four weeks there is much wailing and gnashing of teeth as the virus spreads. 28 Days later, Jim, the protagonist, wakes to find himself in an abandoned hospital, unsure of why he is there and confused about the total lack of people in the place. Jim walks out of the abandoned hospital, and out into the street, only to find a similar lack of humanity, he walks for miles without seeing anyone, but eventually comes across a wall plastered with 9/11 style flyers from desperate families desperately trying to find the whereabouts of lost loved ones (who have obviously been infected). Jim reads a few newspapers and eventually realises that the population has been wiped out. As he continues to walk around he soon catches the attention of a few zombie-like infected beings – who chase him like he was a cupcake in a weight-watchers meeting. Jim is rescued by two others - Selena (Naomie Harris) and Mark (Noah Huntley), who tell him to wake up to himself and be ready to kill anyone infected with the "Rage" virus. Soon mark is toast and Selina and Jim keep moving. They come across more survivors, London cabbie Frank (Brendan Gleeson) and his teenage daughter Hannah (Megan Burns ) who convince Jim and Selina to come with them to Manchester, after hearing a recurring military radio announcement declaring that they have "found the answer to infection". When they reach the abandoned blockade, Frank the cabbie is bitten and promptly shot by a sniper. A team of soldiers reveal themselves and take the survivors back to a heavily defended mansion where the few soldiers are living relatively comfortably, albeit without any women. It is revealed that the commanding officer of the team, Major Henry West (Christopher Eccleston) has promised his men the opportunity to re-populate the earth and Selina and Hannah seem to be the perfect candidates. After a few struggles and traps, all the soldiers are killed and Jim, Selina and Hannah escape to a farm and after catching the attention of a jet passing overhead they are presumed rescued. The remaining infected are seen laying on the ground dying slowly from starvation. They are still human after-all, and not zombies, who are already dead, so don't die of starvation.

Review: This is a pretty good movie, similar to other zombie movies, except for one main diferrence – there are no zombies in this movie! The infected humans act like zombies – with the biting and the killing and the running like a zombie, but they are infected with the "Rage" virus – and have not risen from the dead.

The movie is shot very cleverly, the infected humans are frantic and whenever a group of them get together – panic ensues, translated by the use of quickly changing frames and music-video style effects. The scenes where Jim is walking around in an abandoned London are absolutely amazing and one can only wonder about the inconvenience caused to real-life Londoners when they filmed those shots. The director is said to have chosen relatively unknown actors to make the characters seem more realistic and desperate, and all the actors are relatively convincing, even if the story does get a bit crap by the end when the soldiers get a bit frisky. The ideas in the movie are nothing new, but the British influence gives the story a bit of an edge. A sequel has been released, called 28 Weeks later, which expands on the story but with a different set of survivors.

All in all a solid movie but nothing to write home about. Nothing new.

2.5/5

Review - Dawn of the Dead (1978)

2007-09-01T21:08:00.000-07:00

Director: George A. Romero

Made In: USA

Released: 1978

Plot: 2^nd in the series of “Dead” movies by director George A Romero, after “Night of the Living Dead”(1968) and before “Day of the Dead”(1985). The movie is set in the early stages of a post-apocalyptic America after the majority of the population has either been killed by zombies or have become zombies themselves. The streets are deserted, supplies are scattered and it is unlikely that help is coming. Two news reporters, and two SWAT team members steal a news chopper and flea for higher ground. They end up landing on top of a relatively abandoned shopping mall, where they immediately start barricading the doors and sweeping the corridors of zombies. The mall is well stocked with food and equipment – including guns – so the only problem they have is overcoming boredom and coming to grips with the grim reality of living in this oasis surrounded by crowds of zombies. Eventually, more humans and a gang of bikers invade the mall, letting hundreds of zombies in with them. Only two characters, Peter (SWAT team member) and Francine (female reporter) escape by fleeing in the helicopter with an unknown amount of fuel.

Review:

This is my all time favourite Zombie movie and definitely the best of Romero’s “Dead” series. There are a lot of zombies in this movie. For most of the time they are directed towards anything that moves that isn’t a zombie, so when there aren’t any screaming women or gunfire, they tend to just drag themselves around aimlessly. This movie suggests that the zombies still have some human inclinations, so the zombies end up in the mall only because it was part of who they were when they were alive. There is a classic 80s montage in the movie that scans the mall, with cliché mall elevator music, with scenes of zombies walking aimlessly up and down the mall corridors and through shops, some even walking on the ice-skating rink.

All the zombies featured in the film walk around in a way that has now become the standard zombie motion. Slow, but still determined, with 1000 yard stares, mutilated appearances, half-eaten body parts, and the classis “errrrr….” groan that has become the stereotype for zombies in the majority of zombie movies to follow. The difference between these zombies and those from other movies, like “28 days later” for example, is that the humans can run between the zombies without too much trouble because the zombies are so slow. However, the sheer number of them make the opportunity for a zombie-frolic less appealing. Also, as with most zombie movies, the only way to kill the zombie is to “Shoot em in the head” or “destroy the brain”. Which always makes for great gory special effects and bloody scenes.

The make-up and effects used seems pretty basic compared to most modern zombie flicks. There were hundreds of volunteers and zombie-movie fans who offered to dress-up like corpses for this movie, as the director George A Romero had already developed a huge cult following. Most of the background zombies only had some grey face paint and ripped clothes. And the zombies that featured in close-up shops didn’t look that much more detailed. Maybe a bit more blood.

However, its not the effects – although there are some great gore and blood scenes – that make this movie great. It is the originality combined with satire and the late 70s charm that make it great.

Great scenes: When the zombie that walks into the helicopter blades -- When the car plows down like 500 zombies at high speed inside the mall -- When the black SWAT team member Peter slaps the hysterical woman news reporter -- The classic montage showing everyone living it up in the abandoned mall -- Every scene in the movie with a zombie in it. (so basically every scene in the movie)

Overall Rating: Not for everyone, but for those who love zombie movies, this is a must see. 5/5

Review - Shaun of the Dead (2004)

2007-09-01T20:56:00.000-07:00

Director: Edgar Wright

Made In: UK

Released: 2004

Plot: Shaun (Simon Pegg) is going nowhere in his life. His girlfriend is unsatisfied with his lack of direction, the younger employees at the electronics store where Shaun works don’t respect him.His flatmate is annoyed at him because Shaun has let a friend, Ed (Nick Frost) sleep on the couch indefinitely and although Shaun enjoys his company and friendship, Ed is a bad influence – convincing Shaun that any problem in life can be fixed by visiting the “Winchester” which is the local pub.

After Shaun’s girlfriend dumps him, he decides to rebuild his life and get her back. However, at the same time the town has been over-run with zombies. Shaun battles his way through the hordes of un-dead to save his girlfriend, mum and step-dad (who hates him). He decides to seek refuge in the Winchester because it has heavy-doors, food and pints. (I would have done the same thing). However, the zombies eventually break in and only Shaun and his girlfriend escape, only to have the national guard sweep in and rescue any survivors.

Review: This is a hugely funny and clever movie made by some very funny british comedians with countless references to classic zombie movies, especially Romero’s “Dead” trilogy. The interaction between the two main characters, Shaun and Ed, is brilliant and probably developed over a long time as these two guys (Simon Pegg and Nick Frost) have worked together on many other TV shows, including “Spaced” and “Big Train” They act like normal guys, and enjoy doing everything together - drinking beer, playing the playstation and listening to crappy 80s music. The comedy comes from the fact that Shaun has elected himself leader of the group, but has absolutely no idea what he is doing. This is shown in a few scenes, like when they come across the first zombie in their back-yard, and thinking it was just a drunk girl, begin hurling insults, and eventually crockery at her to scare her away. There is another scene where Shaun gets hold of a gun and furiously unloads at a group of zombies without actually hitting any of them. It doesn’t exactly go well for the group in the end, mainly because everyone is killed/zombified except Shaun and his girlfriend. The end is interesting, because it skips to 6 months later when some level of normality has been re-introduced into British society and the remaining zombies have been put to work as a form of cheap labour. Shaun keeps his friend Ed, who has become a zombie, in his back shed and joins him regularly to play video games. Brilliant!

Overall Rating: 3.5/5

Review - House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

2007-08-30T16:41:00.000-07:00

Director: Rob Zombie (debut)

Made In: Usa

Released: 2003

Plot: Two young couples take a misguided tour onto the back roads of America in search of a local legend known as Dr. Satan. They come across a weird museum owned by “Captain Spalding” (Sid Haig) who gives them directions to a famous tree in the area supposedly linked to Dr Satan. However, the unprepared couples are set-upon by a family of serial killers who kidnap and torture them.

Review: First off, this movie is one the best horror movies made within the last 10 years. The characters are great, the story is somewhat cliché but only because the movie is essentially a homage to the classic horror movies of previous decades, especially “Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1979)”. “House of 1000 Corpses” contains almost everything you want to see in a horror movie, heaps of blood, gore, murders, stabbings, gunfire (with Ned Kelly style armour), deranged psychopaths, mass-murders, lost teenagers, hot women, underground lairs, bad-language.

My mum, who actually likes horror movies, said this movie was particularly disturbing. Thanks mum.

One of the highlights of this movie is the character “Baby” played by Sheri Moon Zombie, wife of the director Rob Zombie. Not only is she a complete babe, but she plays the role of a maniac serial killer fantastically. The teenager characters are not particularly special, mainly because the main characters are so overwhelming. Murderous Clowns, bearded hill-billy killers, hot-blonde temptresses, Dr. Satan the Nazi mutant legend, and a really tall imbred mutant guy. Sounds like a riot doesn't it?

If you don’t usually watch horror movies, you could watch “House of 1000 Corpses” and get a glimpse of all the best bits of great horror movies throughout the last few decades. This is a particularly big effort from Rob Zombie, former lead singer of the electro-metal band "White Zombie", because it is his directorial debut.

Overall Rating:

Highly Recommended 4/5